Conscious connection

Connection starts with the self.

I'm sitting here looking at the most beautiful view out of my window. Vast cloudless sky, deep blue oceans , the dark Atlantic and the misty green pacific meeting, connecting and becoming one.

Normally this would move me, open my heart to the wonders of nature, connect, uplift and fill me with appreciation and gratitude for all that is, yet today I feel nothing.

I see the beauty. i know cognitively it's awesomeness is to be appreciated. But something is missing. Its like it's all outside of me. Separate.

I cant breath it, smell it touch taste or even hear it. Yes i can see, but sight connects to my mind not my heart; yes I can think appreciation but not feel that expansiveness that connects the external and internal,as one experience.

I'm disconnected - not just from the external but from myself. Disregulated, offline - literally.

The Vagus nerve which helps regulate the nervous system, keeping us within the window of tolerance that allows the 2 branches of our autonomic nervous system to flow in healthy balance has gone out of sync.

When this happens we can go into fight/flight, where we become over activated into battle/escape or we freeze where we can not move or we give up and like animals, immobilise, play dead. All are survival responses, one feel super connected, energised, the others disconnected. All are disregulated states for protecting life - even when in this moment the threat isn't real.

I have no idea why I've become disconnected. Ok, so I didn't sleep well last night, and I ate too much too late. That could do it. 

Ah yes, and I've arrived in a new unfamiliar location this morning.i don't know the local rules, the expectations. I don't have any local currency. And, it's almost 100 degrees!!

Ok ok so even tho, when my system is regulated I can be with most of these external conditions individually, my nervous system has become overwhelmed with too many unknowns, ( in my sleep it seems when the subconscious kicks in).

I need to get my (nervous) system back online, regulated. I could disregard my sensitive state, put on the brave face and face the day ahead, join the crowds, go with the flow dysregulated, disconnected, further adding stress to my already struggling system. 

This is what I used to do. Not great I know, but when we take on responsibilities like parenting/caring for example we put ourselves last and battle on (often in fight or flight). It's only when we realise we've lived on autopilot, we realise we've been disconnected from the fullness of life. 

OUCH!

So now in this moment I choose to sit quietly with myself, sometimes i lie flat to open my body so i can breath better. Today my breath is easier to encourage by simply observing it and inviting my diaphragm to soften by Placing my hand On my abdomen. I close my eyes and focus internally on the movement of my belly. IN/ OUT.

Im coming back slowly to myself. I place the other hand on my heart and focus on feeling and maybe hearing my heart beat. This makes me smile. I'm nearly fully back, reconnecting. I begin to feel an ache in my buttock. That's a good thing. The body is coming back online, or at least my physical embodied sensations are becoming noticeable again. Phew!

I get a sense to remove my hands from heart and belly and cross my arms across my chest, grabbing my arms in a firm hug; my fingers begin to move, like kneading dough, I can feel my wider body awakening. I smile. Here I am. Almost fully regulated, reconnected to self. 

Only when im fully connected to myself can I fully connect externally, be that to nature or other people. 

 Finally, and this part makes the difference - this is the part that refills the deficit that originally caused the disregulation/disconnection, even subconsciously, the lack of self love (eating too much too late/not planning ahead in my case here). Yes self love! So I get up slowly, walk to the mirror, look into my eyes, rest the palms of my hands gently on each side of my face and and nod in acknowledgement that 'we'/i did it, i/we got there. I/we are awesome.

Sometimes I feel to apologise to myself, other times I'll say I love me, sometimes I just smile from ear to ear. Today awesome is enough.

Prologue. Half an hour later, with calm confidence i stepped off the ship feeling the warm air on my body, my heart opening to nature's magnificence and my whole system delighting in connecting fully to this new experience. 

April 2026